Osho Mulla Nasruddin Jokes

• One day, Mulla Nasruddin was walking with a very big stick which was too long for him. One friend suggested, "Nasruddin, why don't you cut a few inches off from the bottom?"
• Nasruddin said, "That would not help -- because it is this end that is long."
   
• Mulla Nasruddin once applied for a job. In the application he mentioned many qualifications. He said, "I stood first in my university, and I was offered the vice-presidency of a national bank. I refused because I am not interested in money. I am an honest man, a true man. I have no greed, I'm not bothered about the salary; whatsoever you give me will be okay. And I love work -- sixty-five hours per week."
  
  When the superintendent who was conducting his interview looked at his application, he was surprised and said, "Lordy! Don't you have any weaknesses?"
  Nasruddin said, "Only one: I am a liar!"
   
• Mulla Nasruddin's wife drags him to a movie house. And in the picture which is shown the hero hugs and kisses the heroine so gracefully, so sweetly, that immediately Mulla Nasruddin's wife turns to him and says, "You never do that to me."
  
  Mulla Nasruddin said, "You don't understand -- he is paid. Am I paid?"
  
  But the wife was also a rare personality. She said, "Paid or not paid, you don't know that in real life also they are husband and wife."
  
  Mulla said, "My god! If in real life also they are husband and wife, then he is a great actor. I can certify that he is a great actor."
   
• A similar story is told about Mulla Nasruddin, but juicier. The ticket collector comes, and Mulla Nasruddin looks into everything -- his bags, his pockets. The ticket collector is standing there and he says, "You have looked in every pocket, but you don't look in the left-side pocket of your coat."
  Mulla Nasruddin said, "Don't interfere in my work. Never mention that pocket!"
  
  He said, "You are strange. I am simply helping you because you cannot find the ticket. Perhaps... why are you leaving out that pocket?"
  Mulla Nasruddin said, "That is my only hope. If the ticket is not in the left pocket, I am finished. So first I will look into everything else. Only as the last resort may I touch that pocket. That is my last hope, don't destroy it."
   
• Mulla Nasruddin killed his wife and then there was a case in the court. The judge said to Nasruddin, 'Nasruddin, you go on insisting again and again that you are a peaceloving man. What type of peaceloving man are you? You killed your wife!'
  Nasruddin said, 'Yes, I repeat again that I am a peaceloving man. You don't know: when I killed my wife such peace descended on her face, and for the first time in my house there was peace all over. And I still insist that I am a peaceloving man.'
   
• Mulla Nasruddin had become ninety-nine years old, and a reporter from a local newspaper came to interview him because he was the oldest man in the valley. After the interview the reporter said, "I hope that I will be able to come next year also when you have attained the hundred, when you have completed your hundred years. I hope I will be able to come." Mulla Nasruddin looked at the man wide-eyed and said, "Why not, young fellow? You look healthy enough to me!"
   
• Mulla Nasruddin's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary came, and he was going out of his house that day. His wife felt a little peeved, because she was expecting he would do something and he was just moving in a routine way. So she asked, "Nasruddin, have you forgotten what day it is?"
  Nasruddin said, "I know."
  Then she said, "Then do something unusual!"
  Nasrudin thought and said, "How about two minutes of silence?"
   
• Mulla Nasruddin came to see me. He hailed a taxi, entered it and said, "Driver, take me to Osho Commune."
  The driver came out of the car very much annoyed because the taxi was standing before 17, Koregaon Park.
  He opened the door and said to Mulla Nasruddin, "Fellow, we have reached the Commune. Come out!"
  Nasruddin said, "Okay, but don't drive so fast next time."
   
• Mulla Nasruddin was playing cards with his dog. A man looked, he was surprised -- the dog was really playing. So he said to Nasruddin, "Nasruddin, you really have a strange and wise dog."
  Nasruddin said, "Not so -- he is not so wise as he appears, because whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail. Not so wise as he looks!"
• Mulla Nasruddin and his wife were sitting on a park bench hidden behind a row of palms. Suddenly a young couple came on the other side of the palms. The young man immediately started to talk in a very romantic way, in a very poetic way.
  
  Mulla Nasruddin's wife became fidgety, uneasy. She said, whispered in Nasruddin's ear, "It seems that young man is not aware that we are here, so you whistle to make them aware. And the young man seems so much in love that I feel that he is just about to propose."
  Nasruddin said, "Why should I whistle? Nobody ever made me alert, nobody whistled when I was proposing."

• I have heard, once it happened: There was a meeting in the town hall, and the speaker went on and on -- an old politician -- and he would not stop. People by and by left the hall. Only Mulla Nasruddin remained, the only one. The speaker was very happy and he thanked Nasruddin: "I never thought that you loved me so much, or you loved my thoughts so much, or you so appreciated my philosophy."
  Nasruddin said, "You don't understand me. I am the next speaker -- I was waiting for you to stop!"
    
• Once it happened: Mulla Nasruddin told me that he was thinking of divorcing his wife. I asked, 'Why? Why so suddenly?'
  Nasruddin said, 'I doubt her fidelity towards me.'
  So I told him, 'Wait, I will ask your wife.'
  
  So I told his wife, 'Nasruddin is talking around town and creating a rumor that you are not faithful, and he is thinking of divorce, so what is the matter?'
  
  His wife said, 'This is too much. Nobody has ever insulted me like that -- and I tell you, I have been faithful to him dozens of times!'
    
• I have heard: Mulla Nasruddin's father was dying, on his deathbed, and he wanted to give some advice to his son who was going in many ways astray. He had become the Don Juan of the town, and was chasing every woman. The old man said, "Nasruddin, remember one thing: beauty is only skindeep, and don't be mad for it -- and this is my whole life's experience I am telling you. I have chased women, but this is how I feel now, at the end of my life, that beauty is nothing but a skindeep phenomenon, an appearance."
  Nasruddin brooded over it and said, "Dad, that much will do -- because I am no cannibal, I am not going to eat women. Skindeep is enough for me. Who wants the inside of a woman?"
• Mulla Nasruddin was trying for half an hour to catch two flies which were disturbing him in the room. Finally he got hold of both of them, and he told his wife, "I caught both of them; one is male, the other is female."
• The wife said, "Flies -- and you have found their sex too?"
  He said, "It was very simple -- the female fly was sitting on the mirror for two hours continuously, and the male fly was reading the newspaper. It is just pure logic to infer who is male and who is female." Both remain glued -- one with the mirror, one with the newspaper.
• The old Mulla Nasruddin had become a very rich man. When he felt death approaching he decided to make some arrangements for his funeral, so he ordered a beautiful coffin made of ebony wood with satin pillows inside. He also had a beautiful silk caftan made for his dead body to be dressed in.
  The day the tailor delivered the caftan, Mulla Nasruddin tried it on to see how it would look, but suddenly he exclaimed, "What is this! Where are the pockets?"
    
• A friend of Mulla Nasruddin became very, very rich. And when somebody becomes rich he wants to go back to his old friends, old neighbors, old village, to show what he has attained. So he came from the capital to his small village. Just at the station he met Mulla Nasruddin and he said, "Nasruddin, do you know, I have made it! I have become very, very rich, you cannot even conceive! I have a palace with five hundred rooms, it is a castle!"
  
  Mulla Nasruddin said, "I know a few people who have houses with five hundred rooms."
  The friend said, "I have two eighteen-hole golf courses, three swimming pools and acres and acres of greenery!"
  Nasruddin replied, "I know one man in the other town who has two golf courses and three swimming pools."
  The rich man said, "In the house?"
  
  Nasruddin said, "Listen -- you may have made much money, but I have also not done too bad: I've got donkeys, horses, pigs, buffaloes, cows, chickens."
  The other man started laughing and he said, "Nasruddin, lots of people have donkeys, horses, cows, chickens...."
  Nasruddin stopped him in the middle and said, "In the house?"
• Mulla Nasruddin came running into a farm one evening and asked the farmer, "Have you seen a lunatic woman passing through here?"
  The farmer said, "What did she look like?"
  Nasruddin described her. He said, "She is six feet four inches tall, very fat, and weighs forty-five pounds."
  The farmer looked a little puzzled and said, "If she is six feet four inches tall and is very fat, how can she weigh only forty-five pounds?"
  Nasruddin laughed and said, "Don't be silly -- didn't I tell you that she is a little crazy?"
    
• Once, Mulla Nasruddin was caught in a legal case. He looked in the court: twelve woman jurists. And he said to the judge, "I confess! ... Because I cannot deceive one woman at home, so twelve in the jury -- impossible! I have committed this sin, simply give me the punishment."
• Mulla Nasruddin came home one night very late, it must have been three in the morning. He knocked; his wife was very angry, but Mulla said, "Wait! First give me one minute to explain, then you can start. I was sitting with a very sick friend."

• His wife said, "A very likely story -- but tell me the name of the friend."
  Mulla Nasruddin thought and thought and thought, and then he said triumphantly, "He was so sick he couldn't tell me!"
    
• Mulla Nasruddin was caught. When he came out of court he said to a friend, "It has been very hard: the judge first fined me fifty rupees" -- because he had kissed a woman, a stranger, on the road. So he was telling his friend, "The judge first fined me fifty rupees for kissing her -- and then when he looked at the woman he fined me fifty more for being drunk!" ... Because the woman was almost no woman at all -- she was so ugly that nobody could kiss her if he was in his senses!
    
• Mulla Nasruddin became very aged; he attained one hundred years. A reporter came to see him, because he was the oldest citizen around those parts. The reporter said, 'Nasruddin, there are a few questions I would like to ask. One is, do you think you will be able to live a hundred years more?'
  
  Nasruddin said, 'Of course, because a hundred years ago I was not so strong as I am now.' A hundred years before, he was a child, just born, so he said: 'A hundred years ago I was not so strong as I am now, and if a small child, helpless, weak, could survive for a hundred years, why shouldn't I?'
    
• Mulla Nasruddin was saying to one of his friends early in the morning, walking on the lawn, "My wife is almost like a mousetrap." And women are so attuned, their antenna is always up in the air; if you speak loudly they may not listen, but if you whisper they will listen to every word.
  
  The wife came out and she said, "What are you telling him? Yes, I am a mousetrap -- and who are you? You are a mouse. And remember, the trap was not running after the mouse, it was the mouse himself who entered the trap. So what are you telling your friend?"
    
• Mulla Nasruddin was resting in his chair. His wife was looking at the street and he was looking at the wall. They were sitting back to back, as husbands and wives always sit.
  
  Suddenly the wife said, "Nasruddin, look! The richest man of the town is dead, and thousands of people are going to give him the last send-off."
  Nasruddin said, "What a shame I am not facing that way!"
    
• Once Mulla Nasruddin went to a doctor -- and doctors have learned the trick from the priests: they write in Latin and Greek, and they write in such a way that even if they have to read it again it is difficult. Nobody should understand what they are writing.
  
  So Mulla Nasruddin went to a doctor and he said,
  "Listen, be plain. Just tell me the facts. Don't use Latin and Greek."
  
  The doctor said, "If you insist, and if you allow me to be frank, you are not ill at all. You are just plain lazy."
  Nasruddin said, "Okay, thank you. Now write it in Greek and Latin so I can show it to my family."
   
• Once Mulla Nasruddin came back to his home very, very late at night. He knocked, the wife asked, "Nasrudin, what is the time?"
• 
  Nasruddin said matter-of-factly, "It is very early, only elevenfifteen."
  
  The wife said, "Don't you lie to me. I just looked at the alarm clock. It is not eleven-fifteen, it is three-fifteen. The whole night is past."
  
  Nasruddin said, "One minute. You believe in a rotten twenty-rupee alarm clock, rather than believing in your beloved husband? What type of marriage is this? What type of woman are you?"
    
• Once it happened: one man came to Mulla Nasruddin and asked for some money. Nasruddin knew this man, knew well that this money was not going to be returned, but it was such a small sum that he thought, "Let him take it; even if he is not going to return it, nothing is lost. So why say no for such a small sum?" So he gave him the money.
  
  After three days the man returned. Nasruddin was surprised. It seemed impossible, it was a miracle, that this man had returned. After two or three days the man came again and asked for a big sum. Nasruddin said, "Now! Last time you deceived me." He said, "Last time you deceived me -- now I am not going to allow it again."
  
  The man said, "What are you saying? Last time I returned the money."
  He said, "Okay, you returned it, but you deceived me -- because I never believed that you would return it. But this time, no. Enough is enough. Last time you behaved contrary to my expectations. But enough; now I am not going to give it to you."
   
• Once it happened: Mulla Nasruddin came out of the village tavern and the new priest saw him -- he was passing by on the road. The new priest said, "Nasruddin, you are a religious man. What do I see? You are coming out of such a place? My son, drink is of the Devil. And when the Devil invites you again, refuse. Why don't you refuse?"
• Nasruddin said, "Reverend, I would like to refuse, but the Devil may get sore and may not invite me again."
• Mulla Nasruddin died and went immediately, or was sent immediately, to hell. There he reached Satan who had been waiting for him for a long time -- he was a man long awaited there. Satan received him, welcomed him, and Mulla Nasruddin said to the devil, "Boy, am I happy being here in heaven."

• 
  The devil said, "Nasruddin, you are mistaken. This is no heaven."
  Nasruddin said, "That may be your attitude. I am coming from India -- to me it looks like heaven."
    
• Mulla Nasruddin fingered a banker who was coming out of his office and said, "What about two annas for a cup of coffee?"
  The Mulla was looking so distraught, so sad, that the man felt for him, and he said, "Here is one rupee. Take it and have eight cups of coffee." So Mulla went.
  
  Next day he was again there on the steps of the office, and as the banker came out, he punched his face, on the nose.
  The man said, "Hey, what are you doing? And this is after I gave you one rupee just yesterday? What type of thankfulness is this?"
  
  Mulla said, "You and your lousy eight cups of coffee." And he punched him again on his nose and said, "They kept me awake the whole night!"
    
• Mulla Nasruddin was in love with a woman. The woman was very tall, and the woman lived far away, almost one mile from the tram terminus. So Nasruddin used to walk her to her home every evening.
  
  One day, after just a few minutes' walk, Nasruddin said, "Give me a kiss." But she was so tall that Nasruddin needed a stool or something. So they looked around and saw a blacksmith's shop, abandoned. They found an anvil there, so he stood on the anvil, kissed the woman, and they started again towards home. After half a mile, Nasruddin said, "One more, darling."
  
  The woman said, "No! I have given you one kiss and it is enough for tonight."
  So Nasruddin said, "Then what is the use of carrying this damned anvil!"
    
• Somebody was asking Mulla Nasruddin, "Why, Nasruddin, are you leaving so early today?" -- he was leaving the tavern.
  He said, "Every day it is a problem. The wife!"
  So the man said, "Are you afraid of your wife? Are you a man or a mouse?"
  Nasruddin said, "I am a man."
  And the man said, "Then why you are going so early if you are a man? And what certainty have you got that you are a man?"
  Said Nasruddin, "I am certain, absolutely certain, because my wife is afraid of mice. I am certainly a man. I am afraid of her and she is afraid of mice. Had I been a mouse...!"
    
• One night Mulla Nasruddin called his wife and said, "Bring my specs, because I have been seeing a beautiful dream and much more is promised to me. Bring my specs, because the place is not so well lighted, and I cannot see clearly."
  
• Mulla Nasruddin was talking to his doctor. The doctor said, "Nasruddin, you confess that you are bad-tempered. I suppose I need not tell you that science has discovered that your bad temper is caused by an ugly little microbe."
  Mulla Nasruddin said, "For heaven's sake, speak quietly. She's sitting in the next room."
   
• Mulla Nasruddin was given an interview with a shipping company. The manager asked, "Nasruddin, it is a dangerous job. Sometimes the ocean behaves so roughly. If you are caught in tidal waves, what are you going to do with your ship?"
• 
  He said, "No problem at all. I will simply lower down the defense mechanism that every ship has, just weights, huge weights which keep the ship stable even when there is so much turmoil all around."
  
  The manager said, "Another tidal wave is arising...?"
  He said, "No problem. I will again lower down a huge weight" -- In the shipping world these weights are called langers.
  The manager said, "But if a 3rd wave comes, what will you do?"
  He said, "No problem... a bigger langer."
  
  The manager is in a difficulty what to do with this man. He says, "From where are you getting all these langers?"
  Mulla Nasruddin said, "And from where are you getting these tidal waves?"
    
• The son of Mulla Nasruddin asked him, "Papa, if a Mohammedan becomes a Christian, what will you call him?"
  He said, "He is a renegade!"
  And the son thought it over and he said, "If a Christian becomes a Mohammedan, what will you call him?"
  And he laughed and he said, "He is a man of understanding."
    
• Mulla Nasruddin married the ugliest woman in the town. Nobody could believe it. People asked him, "Nasruddin, what has happened to you?"
  
  He said, "There is a logic in it. This is the only woman from whom I can escape any time. In fact, it will be difficult not to escape. This is the only woman in the town whom I can trust. Beautiful people are not trustworthy. They can fall in love easily because so many people are attracted towards them. I can trust this woman; she will always be sincere towards me. I need not be worried about her; I can go out of the town for months, I will not have any fear. My woman will remain mine."
• Just the other day I heard somebody ask Mulla Nasruddin, 'Why did Jesus say "Blessed are the poor in spirit"?'

• Mulla thought for a while and then said, 'Blessed are the poor in spirit for they have no money to buy booze.'
    
• Another time somebody asked Mulla Nasruddin, 'And what is the eleventh commandment?'
  He said, 'Thou shalt not get caught.'
    
• One day I went to see Mulla Nasruddin. He was sitting under his bed. I asked Nasruddin, "What is the matter? Why are you sitting under your bed?"
  He said, "Why not? I am the master of the house, I can sit anywhere!"
  
  And then his wife came and she said "You coward! You come out and I will show you who is the master!"
  He said, "Nobody can force me to come out! I am the master so I can sit anywhere I like!"
  
  Now the wife is very fat and she cannot go under the bed, so I asked the wife, "What are you going to do now?"
  She said, "You wait! Lunch time is coming closer -- he will have to come out! And under the bed he can go on talking about his mastery; above the bed I know who is the master!"
    
• Mulla Nasruddin was sitting in front of his house. It was raining and somebody came running and he said, "What are you doing here? Your wife has fallen in the river!"
  
  Mulla rushed to the river. A great crowd had gathered, but nobody was daring enough to jump into the river -- it was so dangerous, it was such a big flood. Mulla immediately jumped -- and started swimming upstream.
  The crowd laughed and people said, "Mulla, what are you doing? Why are you trying to swim upstream?"
  
  He said, "You keep quiet! -- I know my wife. If she has fallen in the stream, she must have gone upstream, she cannot go downstream. She can never do anything naturally. I know my wife."
    
• Mulla Nasruddin was saying to me one day, I and my wife never argue.'
  I could not believe it! It seemed almost impossible that a wife and a husband did not argue. I said, 'Mulla, how do you manage it?'
  
  He said, 'The day we got married we decided one thing: I will talk about great and lofty subject matters only, and she will take care of small trivia.'
  I asked, 'For instance?'
  
  He said, 'For instance, what house to purchase, what car to purchase, to what school to send the children, what kind of clothes I should wear, what kind of business I should do -- these are small trivia. My wife settles them.'
  He said, 'For example: whether God exists or not, whether war should be continued in Korea or not -- things like that, great things. I decide great things, she decides small things.'
    
• One day Mulla Nasruddin came into the restaurant and declared, "My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world."
  Everybody was shocked, everybody knew his wife... he himself knew it.
  People gathered around him and said, "Mulla, have you had a revelation? Who told you? Has she been chosen Miss Universe? What has happened that you have to declare?"
  He said, "She has not been chosen, she has told me herself. I am a faithful servant. Whatever she says I believe it. She said that she is the most beautiful woman, and I said, perfectly right; I will go and tell my friends."
    
• Mulla Nasruddin went to the market and saw a big bushel of hot chilli peppers on sale. He bought them, returned home, and began to eat.
  A little while later, his disciples came and saw the Mulla with tears streaming down his face, his mouth and tongue burning. "Mulla, Mulla, why do you go on eating them?" As he reached for another, Nasruddin replied, "I keep waiting for a sweet one."
    
• Once I asked Mulla Nasruddin, "How many years have you been married, Nasruddin?"
  He said, "Twenty odd years."
  So I asked, "Why do you call them 'odd'?"
  He said, "When you will see my wife you will understand."
    
• One day I saw Mulla Nasruddin almost crying, he was so sad. I said, "What is the matter? Why you are so sad?"
  He said, "I am really sad. My wife has appointed a new secretary for me."
  I said, "So what? What is there to be so sad about it? Is she blonde or brunette?"
  He said, "Forget all about blondes and brunettes. He is bald! That's why I am crying!"